All By Myself

Tonight I followed through on my plan to take myself out to dinner. Just me. Alone. At a proper restaurant. I chose AOC because it is near my house and because they have a great wine by the glass program. I picked well. I have to admit I cheated a little bit because they asked if I'd rather have a table or sit and the bar and I chose the bar, which is decidedly easier for dining solo. I started off with a triple cream goat cheese and and a crisp Italian white wine. I followed with a blue cheese and heirloom tomato salad. My next course was one of the best things I have ever had. A cassoulet with duck confit, caramelized red onions and pork belly. It was amazing. I had a Nebbiolo which paired very nicely. For dessert, I chose the butterscotch pot de creme and a tawny port. It was a lovely meal and I enjoyed every bit of it. One thing about dining on your own is that you pay more attention to the food and wine, which is actually quite a good thing. Although I admit I was a little uncomfortable in the beginning, I eventually relaxed and enjoyed a splendid meal. It actually felt very decadent to be treating myself and I consider the evening an unqualified success!

Given the choice, of course I'd prefer to be dining out with friends. Realistically, that's not always possible and I don't want to live a life where I'm dependent upon other people for pleasure and happiness. I learned long ago that it was okay to cook elaborate meals at home just for myself. Now I know it is also okay to dine out by myself. The important lesson here is that we can't limit ourselves. Circumstances may not be ideal, but that doesn't mean we can't still do the things that make us happy in some small way. Now that I've tried it, I will definitely be going to dinner on my own again. What about you? Is there anything you've been putting off doing because you didn't have anyone to do it with? Why not give it a try on your own? You may be pleasantly surprised by how much fun you have.

Cheers!
Penelope

All Dressed Up with Someplace to Go

I'm still working on defining exactly what it will take to make this life worth living, but I wanted to share some progress I've made this week. The first big thing is that my friend, DM, and I went out for a wonderful dinner at Valentino restaurant last night. It was a fantastic evening! The food and service were both extraordinary and we had a long leisurely meal together with plenty of wine and good conversation. Ordinarily, I'm happy I live in Los Angeles where most of the best restaurants allow fairly casual dress, but last night we both chose to dress for dinner and it made the evening even more special. I can't afford to eat in restaurants of this caliber as often as I would like, but doing so from time to time makes for a well-deserved treat. One of the very best things about this dinner is that dining at Valentino has been on my list of things to do before I die for several years! I love getting to check something off. In fact, maybe I should explore doing more things from my list as another entry.

The other thing I've chosen to do is take myself out for dinner on Saturday night--ALONE. I find myself in a situation where most of my friends are busy Saturday nights and I am often on my own. Rather than sit home, I've decided I should get out and live a bit. I'm comfortable traveling on my own and frequently go out for breakfast or lunch by myself, but dinner is a bit harder. I am hoping I can learn to enjoy dining on my own so that I have more options and am not dependent upon other people if I want to enjoy an evening out. There is, of course, a chance this will backfire and I'll end up feeling like a loser so wish me luck! I'll let you know how it goes!

Cheers!
Penelope

Rock Bottom

"And that was it. Right there. Right there. That was the moment. I suddenly realized that unless something changed soon, I was going to live a life where my major relationship was with a bottle of wine...and I'd finally die fat and alone and be found three weeks later, half-eaten by wild dogs." -Bridget Jones

I've heard that in order to change, one must first hit rock bottom. I believe I've finally done just that. If not bottom (and God, I hope it was) I certainly reached a new low last week when I found myself begging an anti-social (or possibly just schizoid) guy I really, honestly, barely know to spend more time with me. Sure, I'd had a few drinks, but that really doesn't detract from the humiliation in any way. Low point. Nothing against him, of course. In spite of his obvious personality disorder (and the fact that he now eyes me with suspicion, clearly fearing I will, at any moment, burst into hysterical tears and accuse him of being a crap friend), he's actually quite lovely. The real question is how was I reduced to this absurd behavior? Where did my life go? Where did I go wrong? How had I become needy? Because the bottom line is that's what I was. How did I end up here? And, more importantly, could it be fixed? Could I make a life worth living? Because quite simply put, this one isn't. I started this blog in hope of improving my life. As you can see from the lack of posting for over a year, follow through is not my strong point. Which could explain a lot really. I will say that I have made some tremendous strides in several areas since I last posted. I have lost approximately 50 lbs. I moved house and, in so doing, got rid of tremendous amounts of clutter. I have a roommate now (the aforementioned anti-social personality) which forces me to stay on top of cleaning. I have cultivated a much larger social circle and socialize frequently. I finished grad school and have made some progress (though slow-going) on the career path as well.

And yet, here I am. The problems may not be the same, but the situation is. This life isn't quite enough for me. The Bridget Jones quote above strikes a chord for me because it is entirely true of my life. My major relationship is with a bottle of wine and I am very likely to die fat and alone...unless something changes. And what if it doesn't? I've lost weight. I work out every day so it is likely I will lose more, but that doesn't mean I won't still be alone. I know plenty of thin people who are single. As much as I believe social engagement is important, and feel lucky to have some very good friends, at the end of the day I have to take responsibility for my own happiness. Which begs the question--can happiness be cultivated or does it just happen? My experience tells me happiness often just happens, but it can also be cultivated. So, I've decided I need to start cultivating. I need to work on staying in the moment more. Make sure I make each day count. Make sure I do at least one thing each day just for pleasure. My hope is that I can cultivate a life worth living. So, I'm starting this blog again as a way to track my progress and explore the nature of change, what works and what doesn't. And I'm giving myself a specific time frame--one year. Three hundred and sixty-five days to get a life. Wish me luck. I'm quite certain I'm going to need it. And if you've made changes in your life, I'd love to hear your story.

Cheers!
Penelope

The Upside of Down

As promised, I'm checking in on Friday to report on my progress or lack thereof for the past week. Here goes.

I was crazy busy this week and didn't spend much time organizing or cleaning--so no good news on that front. The Accidental Diet, on the other hand, does seem to be back on track. I've lost three pounds! There is a chance that this is actually a Depression Diet (hence the upside of down) since the current economic crisis is really starting to get to me as the possibility of layoffs seems more and more real. The fact that I've lost most interest in food is a fairly decent side-effect. Not only can not eating help me lose weight, but it saves money too! A win-win! Also, paralyzing fear over my future employment means I'm watching my spending across the board. It is amazing how frugal you can be when you are terrified.

Until next time!
Penelope

Ummm, yeah, so I'm, uh, really making progress now.

Okay, maybe not so much. It's been a long time since my last post. Too long, I know. What can I say? The holidays happened and then I became insanely busy and stressed and I just haven't done a thing. Story of my life really. Seriously. It seems that every time I think I'm getting on track with say exercising, healthy eating, building up my savings, keeping my apartment clean, etc. life happens and I get completely derailed! I may go to the gym for three weeks straight and then I will go on vacation, get sick, have a paper to write...you get the picture...and my routine goes right out the window. It is so frustrating. It isn't as though I'm setting unrealistic goals here, so there must be something about me that is just too random and undisciplined to keep life from devolving into chaos.

So as far as status updates go...well, I've managed to gain back six of the ten pounds l lost on the Accidental Diet. Only four came over the holidays, which wasn't bad really. The other two have come in the last week during which I've been eating Hot Cheetos like there's no tomorrow. Seriously, when the Apocalypse comes I expect to be hunkered down with a crate of Hot Cheetos and a few cases of Wild Turkey, but I digress... the point is that's me--Stress Eater. Depression kills my appetite, but stress? Bring on the Ben and Jerry's!

At least I made some great progress on the apartment in early January. Sadly, that has been stalled for about six weeks now while work, school, etc. have been kicking my ass. At least I'm getting close though.

My goal for now? Structure my life better and stick to a routine. Step 1: Update this blog with my progress next week!

Accidental Diet

Well, it looks like I've failed miserably so far to keep on top of updating this blog. What can I say? I honestly haven't had the motivation. Which I know is a lame of excuse since the blog itself is supposed to be a source of motivation and support. I've been slammed by work, school, etc. and just haven't felt I had anything clever or helpful to say. I want this blog to be useful to those of you who take the time to read it. On the other hand, in order for it to be really useful for me I have to be more diligent about updating. I suppose I could try the diary style update a la Bridget Jones....it certainly wouldn't be nearly as entertaining as Ms. Jones' Diary, but it would help keep me on track and connected.

As far as progress goes, I have made a little. The fact that I'm trying to save money by brown bagging coupled with being too busy to eat has lead to what I'm calling the "Accidental Diet." Because I need to save both time and money I'm eating a lot of baked potatoes and peanut butter sandwiches. I'm supplementing with baby carrots, apples, bananas and raw almonds. Since my roommate moved out, there are few snack foods in the house, so basically my eating habits have improved with very little effort from me, mostly by "accident." This new diet has lead to some good initial results and I've decided to get serious about working out again to compliment the reduced calorie intake. The workout schedule has been full of false starts and a real lack of commitment, but I'm feeling much more motivated now. Especially because I've lost 10 lbs. without really trying or feeling that I've given up anything. Besides brown-bagging lunches and not bringing a lot of snack foods into the house, I've gone against conventional wisdom which says don't eat late at night. In the past, I'd eat dinner before class, but then be hungry again when I got home somewhere between 9:00 p.m. and 11:00 p.m. Then I'd end up snacking on junk. Now I don't really have junk in the house. I eat some almonds or an apple before class and have dinner when I get home. I'm up for a few hours anyway, so this works for me. As I said, it goes against conventional wisdom, but who likes conventional anyway?

My weight loss also seems like good example of how the Paradoxical Theory of Change http://www.gestalt.org/arnie.htm works. Once I stopped trying to change, change happened. I recently became aware of the critical thoughts I frequently had such as "I really need to lose weight" "I've got to lose weight, " etc. These thoughts drained away my energy and made me feel ashamed. They certainly didn't help me to lose weight. Once I became aware of them, I was able to stop them and stop the energy drain. I'm sure this has also contributed to the success so far of the Accidental Diet.

On the apartment front I've honestly just been maintaining the status quo for a while and not making a lot of progress in overall organization. That's about to change. I have the Thanksgiving holiday weekend coming up and I fully intend to dedicate it to deep cleaning and organizing the apartment. This is going to be a big push not only so that I can head into the New Year with things in shape, but also because I plan on doing more entertaining, starting next month so the place needs to be in shape.

With the end of 2008 looming, I feel I really want to make a big push to start 2009 on the right foot. I'll be updating over the long weekend to let you know how progress with the apartment goes. And I'll also begin weekly weigh-ins and report back the results--yikes!

p.s. Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I have much to be thankful for this year as I've had some amazing trips, great times with friends and family, fantastic meals and spectacular wines!

Spinning My Wheels

WTF? It seems like lately for every tiny bit of progress I make in one area, things go straight to hell in another. It would be great if I could report that I had a handle on at least one aspect of my life, but sadly I cannot. I am feeling extremely frustrated this week. I'm sure the financial chaos the country is facing right now is not helping since it could directly affect not only my savings, but my compensation as well. I'm just not certain that is the only thing bothering me. I basically feel like each and every day is a colossal struggle for me. I struggle to keep my apartment from lapsing into utter chaos, to perform at work and school, to eat healthy foods, to get some sort of exercise, to keep my head above water financially (something that hasn't been a problem for me for several years). There is just not enough time in the day to deal with everything so corners must be cut which results in going backward instead of forward. I just can't seem to keep all of my plates spinning. I made progress cleaning and organizing my office this week which felt great. My apartment, on the other hand, seems to have spiraled out of control. The problem right now isn't just clutter, the place is actually a mess which is extremely anxiety provoking for me and yet, I cannot seem to motivate to clean. I've also been eating way too much fast food and other garbage the past few days as I haven't felt like cooking (which I normally really enjoy.) I feel overwhelmed.

I am now going to force myself to clean my entry way. I've been piling crap there all week so it now takes some serious navigation to actually enter my apartment. I am hoping that clearing the path will not only reduce my anxiety, but also motivate me to do more. At the very least I won't trip and kill myself. I suppose this would be progress. Wish me luck!