All By Myself

Tonight I followed through on my plan to take myself out to dinner. Just me. Alone. At a proper restaurant. I chose AOC because it is near my house and because they have a great wine by the glass program. I picked well. I have to admit I cheated a little bit because they asked if I'd rather have a table or sit and the bar and I chose the bar, which is decidedly easier for dining solo. I started off with a triple cream goat cheese and and a crisp Italian white wine. I followed with a blue cheese and heirloom tomato salad. My next course was one of the best things I have ever had. A cassoulet with duck confit, caramelized red onions and pork belly. It was amazing. I had a Nebbiolo which paired very nicely. For dessert, I chose the butterscotch pot de creme and a tawny port. It was a lovely meal and I enjoyed every bit of it. One thing about dining on your own is that you pay more attention to the food and wine, which is actually quite a good thing. Although I admit I was a little uncomfortable in the beginning, I eventually relaxed and enjoyed a splendid meal. It actually felt very decadent to be treating myself and I consider the evening an unqualified success!

Given the choice, of course I'd prefer to be dining out with friends. Realistically, that's not always possible and I don't want to live a life where I'm dependent upon other people for pleasure and happiness. I learned long ago that it was okay to cook elaborate meals at home just for myself. Now I know it is also okay to dine out by myself. The important lesson here is that we can't limit ourselves. Circumstances may not be ideal, but that doesn't mean we can't still do the things that make us happy in some small way. Now that I've tried it, I will definitely be going to dinner on my own again. What about you? Is there anything you've been putting off doing because you didn't have anyone to do it with? Why not give it a try on your own? You may be pleasantly surprised by how much fun you have.

Cheers!
Penelope

All Dressed Up with Someplace to Go

I'm still working on defining exactly what it will take to make this life worth living, but I wanted to share some progress I've made this week. The first big thing is that my friend, DM, and I went out for a wonderful dinner at Valentino restaurant last night. It was a fantastic evening! The food and service were both extraordinary and we had a long leisurely meal together with plenty of wine and good conversation. Ordinarily, I'm happy I live in Los Angeles where most of the best restaurants allow fairly casual dress, but last night we both chose to dress for dinner and it made the evening even more special. I can't afford to eat in restaurants of this caliber as often as I would like, but doing so from time to time makes for a well-deserved treat. One of the very best things about this dinner is that dining at Valentino has been on my list of things to do before I die for several years! I love getting to check something off. In fact, maybe I should explore doing more things from my list as another entry.

The other thing I've chosen to do is take myself out for dinner on Saturday night--ALONE. I find myself in a situation where most of my friends are busy Saturday nights and I am often on my own. Rather than sit home, I've decided I should get out and live a bit. I'm comfortable traveling on my own and frequently go out for breakfast or lunch by myself, but dinner is a bit harder. I am hoping I can learn to enjoy dining on my own so that I have more options and am not dependent upon other people if I want to enjoy an evening out. There is, of course, a chance this will backfire and I'll end up feeling like a loser so wish me luck! I'll let you know how it goes!

Cheers!
Penelope

Rock Bottom

"And that was it. Right there. Right there. That was the moment. I suddenly realized that unless something changed soon, I was going to live a life where my major relationship was with a bottle of wine...and I'd finally die fat and alone and be found three weeks later, half-eaten by wild dogs." -Bridget Jones

I've heard that in order to change, one must first hit rock bottom. I believe I've finally done just that. If not bottom (and God, I hope it was) I certainly reached a new low last week when I found myself begging an anti-social (or possibly just schizoid) guy I really, honestly, barely know to spend more time with me. Sure, I'd had a few drinks, but that really doesn't detract from the humiliation in any way. Low point. Nothing against him, of course. In spite of his obvious personality disorder (and the fact that he now eyes me with suspicion, clearly fearing I will, at any moment, burst into hysterical tears and accuse him of being a crap friend), he's actually quite lovely. The real question is how was I reduced to this absurd behavior? Where did my life go? Where did I go wrong? How had I become needy? Because the bottom line is that's what I was. How did I end up here? And, more importantly, could it be fixed? Could I make a life worth living? Because quite simply put, this one isn't. I started this blog in hope of improving my life. As you can see from the lack of posting for over a year, follow through is not my strong point. Which could explain a lot really. I will say that I have made some tremendous strides in several areas since I last posted. I have lost approximately 50 lbs. I moved house and, in so doing, got rid of tremendous amounts of clutter. I have a roommate now (the aforementioned anti-social personality) which forces me to stay on top of cleaning. I have cultivated a much larger social circle and socialize frequently. I finished grad school and have made some progress (though slow-going) on the career path as well.

And yet, here I am. The problems may not be the same, but the situation is. This life isn't quite enough for me. The Bridget Jones quote above strikes a chord for me because it is entirely true of my life. My major relationship is with a bottle of wine and I am very likely to die fat and alone...unless something changes. And what if it doesn't? I've lost weight. I work out every day so it is likely I will lose more, but that doesn't mean I won't still be alone. I know plenty of thin people who are single. As much as I believe social engagement is important, and feel lucky to have some very good friends, at the end of the day I have to take responsibility for my own happiness. Which begs the question--can happiness be cultivated or does it just happen? My experience tells me happiness often just happens, but it can also be cultivated. So, I've decided I need to start cultivating. I need to work on staying in the moment more. Make sure I make each day count. Make sure I do at least one thing each day just for pleasure. My hope is that I can cultivate a life worth living. So, I'm starting this blog again as a way to track my progress and explore the nature of change, what works and what doesn't. And I'm giving myself a specific time frame--one year. Three hundred and sixty-five days to get a life. Wish me luck. I'm quite certain I'm going to need it. And if you've made changes in your life, I'd love to hear your story.

Cheers!
Penelope